Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Why do I feel like I am falling short?

I have been struggling internally with just about every aspect of my life lately. Where does this come from? Growing up I was involved in sports and understood the value of winning, but also new the goodness that come from being not the loser, but the SECOND WINNER. It was ok. I would just learn and move on, try to do better, but really never let it consume my daily life. Even in college when I BOMBED an AP Anatomy class... I chalked it up to a good experience and went in full boar next semester. And even in looking back into the 6 years I have been a wife, I have always felt like I have done a respectable job. Something to be proud of.... But when Abby was born right away I felt the inadequacy. We were not good at nursing.... I had every intention of sticking that girl right on the boob and it would be magical. I would provide her ALL her nutrients for the first year of her life. What an honor, what a responsibility! But that is not how it happened. Even in the hospital I would start to cry when she would cry, because I knew that meant she was hungry. My boobs hurt! I had mastitis 3 times during the first 2 months of her life, she had thrush. Nursing was not in the cards for us. "Breast milk is best!" and now I was not providing the best for my child. Failure numero uno!

You have all seen first hand (or at least read in my blog) about my first born child. She is a spirited little thing. She will not let anything get in the way of what she wants. She wants something, she is going to try to get it. No matter the cost! Whether it is ice cream for breakfast, to play outside when it is thunder storming, or get out of the house to play in my car.... the girl plumb tuckers me out most days. She is relentless in her pursuits. These qualities that are hard to parent will be her biggest asset as an adult.... but in the meantime, the Lord has entrusted her to me and we must guide her to be the best that she can be. Many times I am at a loss on what to do.... how to handle any given situation. Some days I feel I am not strong enough to set the limits and stick to them.... I don't want to fail her.

Lily (so far) is a different child. She aims to please. We say no, she listens. She is a happy little ham bone. She likes to make people laugh and has her dad's fun loving personality. Yeah! We are on the right track... although the doctors say she is too small. She doesn't weigh enough. She has been listed (in doctors terms) as failure to thrive. We have done the blood work, we have met with the dietitian, we have put her on a high fat diet. (Lucky girl, gets ice cream 3 times a day!) But as a mom, you immediately revert back to the first 12 months of her life.... did I not nurse her enough? I am happy to report that Lily and I made it 1 full year of nursing... YIPPEE! Did I not give her adequate nutrition. In my heart of hearts, I know I did and she has just been blessed with an awesome metabolism like the rest of my siblings. But the doctors make you feel otherwise...
I think I have been hard on myself because I know I cannot go back. I don't want to strive for perfection but rather for the best that I can be as a parent, because I know that I cannot take these days back. I am molding these kids for the rest of their life. My influence will determine the course they take in life. Will they follow the Lord? Will they marry strong Christian men? Will they care about others? Will they be happy in life?

Some other areas that are on my "fall short" list: housekeeping, laundry, my home based business, exercise, bible reading, blogging, keeping up with 9 siblings scattered throughout the US, keeping the sippy cups from rotting under the seats in the van.....I feel like the list goes on and on. I cannot give full attention to any one thing.

Who sets these standards that I am trying to achieve? No place in the bible does it say anything about laundry or blogging.... The bible is my "Life Manual".... I must keep my eyes on the Lord. "The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he had made. The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down." Psalm 145 :13-14

I love that! Every time I fall (which is every minute or every day) the Lord lifts me up when I ask.
Here is my devotion for this morning:

Decide to be positive!

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-- think about these things. Philippians 4:8

Negative people don't enjoy life. Viewing each day with positive expectations is one of the key principles to godly happiness. We act on what we believe, so positive thoughts cause positive actions. If you want a positive life, begin thinking positive thoughts. It is easy to do so if you read the Word and meditate on all that God wants to do for you through you. Get alone today, and think about all the good, positive things God has done for you in the past, and all He had planned for you in the future.

Take some time to reflect on God goodness! You will be richly rewarded!
With that said.... Here are a few things that the Lord has richly rewarded me with!

A spirited little girl that learned so much at preschool this year!

A grandma that loves to fish with Abby!

Friends that love your kids like their own!

My future son-in-law! Aren't they ADORABLE!?!?

A sunny day to celebrate Abby's preschool graduation!

Dirty faces that showcase the fun we have camping!

A daddy that is not afraid to get a little cold to spend time with his fearless swimmer!

A sunny day to watch my girly girl play outside with her doll!

Smiles of a happy girl!

The smile of achievement when she reeled in "the big one"!