Why do I feel like I am falling short?

I have been struggling internally with just about every aspect of my life lately. Where does this come from? Growing up I was involved in sports and understood the value of winning, but also new the goodness that come from being not the loser, but the SECOND WINNER. It was ok. I would just learn and move on, try to do better, but really never let it consume my daily life. Even in college when I BOMBED an AP Anatomy class... I chalked it up to a good experience and went in full boar next semester. And even in looking back into the 6 years I have been a wife, I have always felt like I have done a respectable job. Something to be proud of.... But when Abby was born right away I felt the inadequacy. We were not good at nursing.... I had every intention of sticking that girl right on the boob and it would be magical. I would provide her ALL her nutrients for the first year of her life. What an honor, what a responsibility! But that is not how it happened. Even in the hospital I would start to cry when she would cry, because I knew that meant she was hungry. My boobs hurt! I had mastitis 3 times during the first 2 months of her life, she had thrush. Nursing was not in the cards for us. "Breast milk is best!" and now I was not providing the best for my child. Failure numero uno!

You have all seen first hand (or at least read in my blog) about my first born child. She is a spirited little thing. She will not let anything get in the way of what she wants. She wants something, she is going to try to get it. No matter the cost! Whether it is ice cream for breakfast, to play outside when it is thunder storming, or get out of the house to play in my car.... the girl plumb tuckers me out most days. She is relentless in her pursuits. These qualities that are hard to parent will be her biggest asset as an adult.... but in the meantime, the Lord has entrusted her to me and we must guide her to be the best that she can be. Many times I am at a loss on what to do.... how to handle any given situation. Some days I feel I am not strong enough to set the limits and stick to them.... I don't want to fail her.

Lily (so far) is a different child. She aims to please. We say no, she listens. She is a happy little ham bone. She likes to make people laugh and has her dad's fun loving personality. Yeah! We are on the right track... although the doctors say she is too small. She doesn't weigh enough. She has been listed (in doctors terms) as failure to thrive. We have done the blood work, we have met with the dietitian, we have put her on a high fat diet. (Lucky girl, gets ice cream 3 times a day!) But as a mom, you immediately revert back to the first 12 months of her life.... did I not nurse her enough? I am happy to report that Lily and I made it 1 full year of nursing... YIPPEE! Did I not give her adequate nutrition. In my heart of hearts, I know I did and she has just been blessed with an awesome metabolism like the rest of my siblings. But the doctors make you feel otherwise...

I think I have been hard on myself because I know I cannot go back. I don't want to strive for perfection but rather for the best that I can be as a parent, because I know that I cannot take these days back. I am molding these kids for the rest of their life. My influence will determine the course they take in life. Will they follow the Lord? Will they marry strong Christian men? Will they care about others? Will they be happy in life?

Some other areas that are on my "fall short" list: housekeeping, laundry, my home based business, exercise, bible reading, blogging, keeping up with 9 siblings scattered throughout the US, keeping the sippy cups from rotting under the seats in the van.....I feel like the list goes on and on. I cannot give full attention to any one thing.

Who sets these standards that I am trying to achieve? No place in the bible does it say anything about laundry or blogging.... The bible is my "Life Manual".... I must keep my eyes on the Lord. "The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he had made. The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down." Psalm 145 :13-14

I love that! Every time I fall (which is every minute or every day) the Lord lifts me up when I ask.

Here is my devotion for this morning:

Decide to be positive!

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-- think about these things. Philippians 4:8

Negative people don't enjoy life. Viewing each day with positive expectations is one of the key principles to godly happiness. We act on what we believe, so positive thoughts cause positive actions. If you want a positive life, begin thinking positive thoughts. It is easy to do so if you read the Word and meditate on all that God wants to do for you through you. Get alone today, and think about all the good, positive things God has done for you in the past, and all He had planned for you in the future.

Take some time to reflect on God goodness! You will be richly rewarded!

With that said.... Here are a few things that the Lord has richly rewarded me with!

A spirited little girl that learned so much at preschool this year!

A grandma that loves to fish with Abby!

Friends that love your kids like their own!

My future son-in-law! Aren't they ADORABLE!?!?

A sunny day to celebrate Abby's preschool graduation!

Dirty faces that showcase the fun we have camping!

A daddy that is not afraid to get a little cold to spend time with his fearless swimmer!

A sunny day to watch my girly girl play outside with her doll!

Smiles of a happy girl!

The smile of achievement when she reeled in "the big one"!

Week 3

I did my part... my body did not. No change this week. Shedding a tear or 2 and eating a candy bar.

Week 2

This week has proven to be a challenge in many ways! First and foremost the weather SUCKS! I have absolutely NO motivation to get out and run when it is 30 degrees out..... Second, my knees are killing me! I am going to attribute it to an old soccer injury that required surgery, but in all honesty, I am sure it is the extra weight I am carrying that is making them ache... hopefully as time progresses they will get better. Thirdly the eating thing.... well, it was a week of birthday celebrations for my Lily Pie. That of course requires 3 cakes this week! Which in turn requires, 3 (4-5 ) pieces for me... OUCH! I was super scared to hit the scale this week!

I have been also incorporating a YOGA DVD that I checked out from the library. I dig it! I like the low impact, the relaxing motions, the stretching and strength training it provides. I did that 2 days last week instead of running and I really enjoyed it!



I was was happy (no, really, disappointed) to see no snow on the ground this morning! I made a deal with myself last night that if there was snow on the ground this morning that I could skip my Monday run and curl up with a cup of coffee and my YOGA.... I think this is the first time in a LONG time I was pissed there was NO snow!



Anyway, here is what you have all been waiting for!

Week 2

Pounds lost- 2.5 (YAHHHOOOO!)

Pounds lost to date- 3lbs.

Pounds to goal- 27

Cheers to a good week!

Lily Grace... 365 days old!

What a blessing this child has been over the last year! God is so GOOD. Most nights Ryan and I talk in wonder about what each of our girls have accomplished. And how we could possible go from hanging out with our friends each weekend, to setting up swing sets and charging Barbie car batteries in a matter of 3 years. This is just where I thought we would be!

Lily is so unique. She is a cuddle bug, lover, mamma's girl, flirty, giggly, tricky, strong, sippy cup drinkin', eat anything and everything in sight, bald, wide-eyed, dancing, clapping, kinda walking, easily annoyed by her sister, piece of goodness!

Then.....

Now...

We love you Lily, and praise God for you every day!

PS. I am pretty sure she had more hair the day she was born than she does now... I'm thinking she needs her ears pierced! ;)

Week 1

Here I sit in front of the computer, with a cup of coffee! My reward for dragging my rear out of bed this morning and hitting the pavement!

Last week was a good week. I got up Monday, Wed, Thursday and Saturday and took my pre -planned route through the neighborhood. Dyson has also mapped out "his area" which happens to include a gigantic dump on the lawn at Maplewood Church (3 blocks into our route). It is hard enough to run, hold the dog, and look in people's windows, without having to hold a bag of steamin dog poop. (I am not creepily looking into windows, just helps me keep my mind of the agony of exercise). Anyway, so now I pick up the poo in my little baggy and stash it near the scene of the crime so I don't have to carry it the whole way, then I swipe it on the way home. Tricky I know!

Most mornings were freezing, thanks to this lovely state we live in, but I found the "fellow runners/walkers" to be very supportive of my effort. Effortlessly saying "good morning" while I TRY to muster up enough O2 and vocal chord to even grunt "mornin'". Now they just wave a hand instead. I think that is considerate!

The eating has not been as challenging as I thought it would be. I tend to eat much better on the days that I work out. I work too hard to sabotage my cold morning, dog poop carrying, lung puking workout on a nasty stale PBJ. We even went out for dinner for my birthday and I got a SALAD for goodness sakes. I have not been snacking after dinner time, and if I do, it is a yogurt or some cheese.

So I stepped on the scale this morning and I lost a WHOPPING...... 1/2 of a pound! Yep, not even a full pound. Just a half! I have to tell you, that was so disappointing. Had I weighed myself before my workout, I can assure you, I would have crawled right back into bed....

Week 1
Pounds lost- .5
Pounds lost to date- .5
Pounds to goal- 29.5

Better luck next week!

Did someone say Tylenol???

Ok. here is is... plain and simple... you are all my accountability partners! Since Ryan and I were married 6 years ago, the scale has added more than the "freshman 15". I lived with the lie that after kids, breastfeeding would just melt the weight off! That does not hold true for me! Lily is still nursing and more than a few pounds have made residence in my hip and rear area! SOOOO, I have decided to get MOVING! I am getting up 4 mornings a week to go running with my dog. We get up before the sun is up (which I prefer so nobody sees me waddle down the street). I have plotted out a route that is almost 2 miles. We have made the same run 2 times this week already. I decided to do the same route for a while until I build up some endurance. That way if I am not back by the time Ryan leaves for work, he can tell the paramedics where to bring the oxygen tank!

I have listened to several of my friends and family tell me the LOVE to workout and they just can't get enough of it. Well my friends, I have a feeling that "feeling" will never come to me. Truth be told, I hate exercising. When I was in high school I played a team sport every season so I was able to stay fit without feeling like I was exercising. So now as I move into my early adult years I am finding it a necessity to stop waiting for the burning desire to go run and just DO IT! So here I am putting it in writing, telling you, to hold me accountable.

Here are my goals:
Run with the dog 4 mornings a week. Monday, Wed, Thursday, Saturday
Make smart choices about the food I put in my mouth. (don't just eat the remainders on Abby's plate just because I don't want to throw it away)
Lose 30 lbs by July17

There it is. Once I hit "Publish Post" I am stuck... there is no turning back.

My goal is to blog every Monday and share my weeks progress/struggles.

Hope you all have a nice day! I am going to take some Tylenol and ice my knee!

Almost fearful to put it in writing!

Yep. I locked the kids in the car again today. Call it absent-mindedness, call it going crazy, call it being blonde.... but whatever you do, please don't call Child Protective Services! I was picking Abby up from school this morning, and I actually got there early and had a chance to roll down the window and chat with one of my jewelers. When the kids got released, I just left the car running and met Abby at the door. Upon our return to the car, I realized all the doors were locked and Lily and my every- other- Tuesday -son, Hudson were strapped securely into their car seats in A LOCKED RUNNING VAN! Seriously??!? How did that happen? After frantically checking all the doors I rounded the back of the van and locked eyes with my dear friend (who also happens to be one of Holland's finest) Shaun, and he suggested that I call Tulip City Towing, which I did, and they came, and they unlocked my van.... again. I was so thankful that Shaun sat there and waited with me just in case... but also that it looked like I was chatting with him and not waiting around for a wrecker to come release my kids! ;) I stopped at Ace hardware and picked up a hide-a-key so this shouldn't happen again. PS. I am not concerned that anyone will now try to steal my van. Once they get into it, they will realize there are too many miles, too many old stale fries on the floor, and you have to keep hitting the heater with the ice scraper to keep it turned on. I am sure they will kindly return the key and find something better.

When we got home we had a nice lunch, followed by diaper changes and nap time for all 3 kids! As I was headed down the stairs for some ALONE, quiet time, I feel down the stairs. My rear hurts (which I don't get cuz there is enough padding) and my wrist and shoulder are out of whack.

I would like to request a Mulligan on this day please!

Marcie- There you have it girl! I wanted to add some more pictures for you but my camera batteries are dead. Go figure! I will try loading pictures tomorrow!